Another baby?

We're seriously discussing baby #2. Our daughter has brought us so much joy that a second one sounds like such a good idea.

For about the first two and a half years we were pretty solidly in the 'only one' camp. My husband has always felt that way, even before I met him. Perhaps because he's a third child? Perhaps because he just knows himself well and how much time he spends at work? Perhaps because his dad was away with the Navy so much when he was a child, he just wanted to really commit himself to one kid? I can't seem to get at the heart of the matter with him, but the point is moot now. We have our adorable, sweet girl and most of the time we feel like we'd like to give her a sibling.

After meeting my husband's family, I wanted to have three kids. He and his brother and sister are so tight: it's an amazing family and I reasoned that three must be the magic number.

But then it took 5 years to get pregnant. On the day we went in for an IVF consultation after trying Clomid and myriad other treatments we learned we were pregnant - the natural way.

And then we had our amazing girl and I fell into a post-partum depression that began to fade when around the time she was 9 months old and was mostly dissipated by 18 months. Sometimes people misunderstand PPD. It must be different for everyone, but I experienced more black days than gray, days of contemplating suicide and death. Quite frankly, the Brooke Shields book Down Came the Rain: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression and eventually the help of a therapist helped me scrape my way out of the cave I was in. I was no firmly in the 'onlies' camp for our family.

People would make comments when they would learn that we were finished having children. "How can you do that to your child?" "That's just wrong." "She won't be right." "She'll be selfish." "What about your parents? Don't they deserve more grand-kids?" And naturally, I worried that this was a reflection on me. I thought, "What kind of person can't manage raising an infant? How weak and incompetent I must be!"

And now, my toddler has hit the post 3 years old mark and things look brighter. My other friends who were struggling introduced me to dooce.com, a blog from a woman who always went through PPD and survived (and then lived to have a 2nd girl!) It helps that there is a vibrant community of moms in my area who are around. The Santa Rosa Mothers Club is a fantastic resource and I will forever be in their debt. My daughter will increasingly be involved in school and that will theoretically give me more time to devote to an infant.

Not that I don't have reservations. I've finally found some time to devote to writing and manage to eke out a little reading as well as some occasional exercise. Am I crazy? Life is pretty good right now, and yet I can't shake the feeling that babies and children are what life is all about. I've never felt more vibrant, more shaken, more confident and more adjusted than now.

Time is running out .... I'm hesitant to publish this post lest I jinx everything. But I think I'm ready. Fingers crossed.